It’s gotten to that point where I’ve heard too much and must explode into a ranty rave – I’m sure you understand – so here we go…
Disclaimer: Some people may find this post offensive and TMI – it’s not my usual style, but some things just can’t be put delicately – so please look away if sex and bodily functions are not your thing.
In my former life in psychology, I heard a lot of things that cannot be unheard about relationships – from the strange, to the funny, to the just plain wrong and the ‘what were they thinking?!’ and it feels like lately I’ve been hearing A LOT from my friends about badly behaving men – husbands, partners, boyfriends, daters, one-nighters – to the point where I feel like I need to say something.
The truth is, farts and such can be hilarious, but there is a time and place. And please don’t feel picked on boys – I’m planning one for the girls a bit later 🙂
OKAY – so here we go – in no particular order of importance – the no holds barred list of:
TEN HOT TIPS FOR MEN: WHAT NOT TO DO
1. Don’t photograph your poop and try to show your wife/partner/girlfriend – equally don’t invite her to come and see it before you flush – even if it looks like an eel – even if it’s epically huge – EVEN if you feel like you’ve just given birth – JUST DON’T. The only person you should be sharing specimen information with is your doctor.
2. Don’t initiate sex by saying – ‘it’s your turn to go on top’ or ‘it won’t suck itself’ (yes, I know.)
3. Don’t initiate sex with ‘the helicopter’ – or at least not every single time – it’s not as funny or appealing as you may think.
4. Don’t explicit text (sext) if you’ve only just met the girl or are not in a mutually interested relationship of some kind. I don’t care if ‘Shane Warne does it’, unless you’re 110% sure she’s cool with this, just don’t – otherwise it is supremely creepy.
5. Don’t play games on your phone or any other device while you’re on a dinner date (or anywhere if you’re on a date). This may be a way to calm your nerves, but it comes across as disinterested.
6. If she says ‘I love you’ don’t, for the love of monkeys wearing tutus, say ‘thank you’ or ‘that’s nice of you’ or any variants of this. If she’s jumped the gun and the feelings aren’t mutual – then subtly change the topic or pretend you didn’t hear if possible – for example you could say ‘You love blue? I love blue too – how cool that we share the same favourite colour’ and then move the conversation on. You don’t have to ever force yourself to ‘love’ someone you don’t feel for, but there are kinder ways to let people down.
7. Don’t pick your nose and flick it at her or smear it anywhere – even if you find this hilarious – she won’t. And the same goes for blowing your nose without a tissue – otherwise known as ‘the bushman’s hanky’. I realise sometimes things get up there and they have to be gotten out – but just wait until you’re on your own or with another picker – or go to the bathroom – or use a tissue or toilet paper (God forbid!)
8. Don’t binge drink and do the midnight drunken phone call – ‘I really lurvvvve you – you’re so funny – and stuff’… Not cool – especially if you actually aren’t interested in the girl.
9. Don’t comment on the hotness of other girls to your partner – even if she asks for an honest answer, even if she seems cool with it – EVEN if the hotness of the other girl is burning out your retinas – JUST DON’T.
10. And related to that, never say, “I wish you were more like ____” Not kind, not helpful, not constructive. You just plain suck.
AND HERE’S SOME MORE (because I have more to say!)
11. Don’t say ‘it’s just because you’re hormonal (or any variant of this)’ – it’s just an invitation to be kicked in the nuts.
12. DON’T SAY YOU’LL CALL IF YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO – This is always happening to my single friends (and before you ask – no they’re not insane stalkers), and it comes under the same banner as going out a few times and then never calling again. I know telling someone you’re not interested is awkward, I know it sux, I know you might think it’s not worth the worry – but seriously – it’s not cool, and very bad karma, to leave someone hanging. If you don’t want to see her again and don’t want to talk about it on the phone or face to face, there are a million different ways to do it – anything is better than nothing. One exception – if what you have to say will be extremely hurtful then say nothing.
13. While in the presence of your significant other, please refrain from –firing a stink torpedo, giving the one gun salute, releasing the moon gas, sounding the mating call of the barking spider, blasting the ass trumpet or the buttock bassoon – and most especially refrain from giving her a cupcake, an air bagel or a Dutch oven.
And while we’re on this stinky topic – you don’t have to tell her every single time you let one rip – SHE KNOWS she’s just wishes she didn’t.
And with that my final piece of advice is – drum roll – don’t use the pick up line –
Hey, did you fart? Because you just blew me away!